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Scott Hollifield: In Ireland, they'll get your goat (if you don't have a license)
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Published: July 23, 2009
In the Golden State, leading lizard researchers have --
We interrupt this column about the discovery of a new species of horny toad in California for breaking news from several days ago: IRELAND'S GOAT KING IN JEOPARDY.
According to a July 22 report from Reuters, the situation in the country known for shamrocks and leprechauns is dire.
"Traditionally, a male goat is caught in the mountains of Kerry in southern Ireland and paraded through the town of Killorglin where he reigns (as ceremonial king of Ireland) for the three days of Puck Fair, a centuries-old festival of drinking, music and dancing," reads a Reuters story by Padraic Halpin.
This year's goat king from Northern Island had a spot of trouble at the border and could get only a four-day license for his trip south.
"It takes at least a day to bring a goat from Ballycastle to Killorglin and the goat is on the stand for three days. It's not possible to do that within the four days," Puck Fair chairman Declan Mangan, who is not a leprechaun, told radio station RTE.
Mangan said official goat catcher Frank Joy, also not a leprechaun, may not have enough time to scare up a replacement for the Aug. 10-12 festivities because he is usually "out for two or three weeks looking for a suitable goat."
Reports that Joy may be fudging his time card have so far been unsubstantiated.
Across the pond, part-time columnist and noted goat enthusiast Scott Hollifield, whose leprechaun status is unknown, was outraged by the turn of events.
"I'm outraged by the turn of events," he said between bites of "Lucky Charms."
Hollifield said he was planning to write a column about the discovery of a new species of horny toad in California when a reader made him aware of goat developments in Ireland.
"I was shocked and appalled," Hollifield said. "And, oh yeah, outraged by the turn of events."
He said Ireland's goat problems should be a matter of global concern.
"Here in America, we sometimes take for granted our Constitutional right to travel as we please with goats," he said. "Last summer, Sparky and I went to Dollywood. He stayed in the truck, but I enjoyed the Smoky Mountain River Rampage and he was thrilled with the corn dog I brought him. It's really about freedom. I don't need a goat license to cross the border between North Carolina and Tennessee, unless I intend to marry. I can even carry a concealed goat if I choose. Not everyone around the world enjoys these basic human rights."
Hollifield fears Ireland's oldest fair will descend into anarchy without its three-day goat king on the throne.
"Drinking, fighting, chaos, pretty much what happens with the goat king there except there won't be a goat king there," he said.
Hollifield has formed the nonprofit group Goats Without Borders, which aims to end the licensing and travel restrictions of goats not only in Ireland but around the world. He also vows to travel to Ireland for the Aug. 10-12 festivities, provided a generous benefactor supplies him with a first-class airline ticket, hotel accommodations, spending cash and a goat.
"Unfortunately, Sparky has a prior engagement," he said.
And why does he invest so much time and energy in this cause? It's simple, he said.
"Can any of us really be free when an Irish goat can only get a four-day license to reign as king at a festival of drinking, music and dancing?" he asked.
This has been breaking news from several days ago. We now return you to a column about horny toads already in progress.
-- and there you have it, warts and all.
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