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Scott Hollifield: Parents lie and that's the truth
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Published: October 1, 2009
Parents lie to kids.
I told my daughter they don't, but that was just another in a long line of whoppers that roll easily off the tongues of moms and dads, according to new research from the University of Toronto and the University of California, San Diego.
"From the existence of magical creatures to odd consequences of kids actions, parents often come up with creative tales to shape a child's behaviors and emotions," writes LiveScience.com Senior Writer Jeanna Bryner, who reported on the study's findings.
The research is highlighted in the most recent issue of the Journal of Moral Education, which I plan to steal from the bookstore. (That is, of course, a joke. No one should ever steal from a bookstore, according to the Journal of Moral Education, especially when you can stand there all day and read it for free. I particularly enjoyed last month's article on whether it is morally right to stand in a bookstore all day and read periodicals for free.)
For the most part, the parental lying is done with good intentions. A media release from the University of Toronto quoted a parent who took part in the study: "We told our daughter that if she wrapped up all her pacifiers like gifts, the 'paci-fairy' would come and give them to children who needed them...I thought it was healthier to get rid of the pacifiers, and it was a way for her to feel proud and special."
And the next day, when the daughter told other sophomores in her class she and the paci-fairy helped bring an end to the devastating Third-World pacifier shortage, she was referred to the school psychologist for testing. I haven't actually read the complete study, but that part is probably in there.
While researcher Gail Heyman, professor of psychology at UC San Diego, said parents should think twice before automatically hauling out the convenient lie, there are times when a slight untruth is warranted, such as critiquing a toddler's drawing of a cat.
"That's a good job, Trent!" is preferable to "Cat? It's a series of squiggly lines, Trent, some of which wander off the page and onto the table. Even as a conceptual piece it fails on so many levels. I seriously believe I could wedge a crayon in the dog's paw and he could render a more convincing portrait of a cat. I have no son."
In her article, Bryner explains how researchers presented nine scenarios of parental lying, and participants indicated whether their parents had said something similar to them. One was: "A parent is embarrassed by a child's crying and says, 'The police will come to make sure that you behave if you don't stop crying now.'"
It's obvious the study was conducted in Toronto and California rather than my neck of the woods or the wording would have been slightly different: "Maw-Maw is madder than a wet hen because Junior won't quit squalling at Wal-Mart and says, 'The law is going to come down here and jerk a knot in your hind-end if you don't dry it up, you little pantywaist.'"
Another scenario from the study: "A favorite uncle has just died and the child is told that he has become a star to watch over the child."
Again, had the study been conducted a bit closer to home, it may have read: "Uncle Roscoe got hit by a train so he's up in Heaven now with Baby Jesus and Hank Williams watching every single thing you do, so you better not go messing around."
Personally, I don't condone lying, be it by a parent or a child. I try to set an example by exhibiting truthfulness whenever possible. And I try to make it perfectly clear what I expect from my child.
"Honesty is the best policy," I've told my daughter. "Because if you lie, the paci-fairy will jerk a knot in your hind-end."
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