Scott Hollifield: Trance-Induced 2010 Year in Preview, Part II

Readers who did not overly indulge in Uncle Fred's eggnog or trip over the tail-end of their new Snuggies and smash their skulls on coffee tables may recall last week's column, Scott's Trance-Induced 2010 Year in Preview, Part I, a guide to what will happen in the coming year.
It's the perfect antidote to all those year-in-review stories and an annual tradition in which I stretch — and I mean stretch — one column into two by predicting with uncanny accuracy future events.
Last week, I provided you, the reader — hi Ed, how's it going? — with key events for January through June, which included more trouble for golfer Tiger Woods, a cruel April Fool prank by government officials, and Vice President Joe Biden's accidental trip on a runaway balloon. Those who continued reading instead of immediately turning the page to enjoy the wacky suburban antics of Hi and Lois or clicking over to TMZ to learn which celebrity has been found dead were introduced to the first patient treated under the nation's newly reformed health care system, Arnold Pitts, a retail sales manager from Tallahassee, Fla. Pitts also becomes the world's first recipient of a "green" colonoscopy, an environmentally friendly procedure that produces zero carbon emissions and makes us less dependent upon foreign petroleum products.
And now, for your listening pleasure (if someone is reading this aloud to you), here is Scott's Trance-Induced 2010 Year in Preview, Part II:
July — In one of the most stunning events in human history, the existence of extraterrestrial life is confirmed when an alien spacecraft lands just outside Flagstaff, Ariz. As cameras roll and the world watches in anticipation, a door on the craft opens with a hiss, and a tall, green-skinned being emerges, looks around at the assembled throng and — with little fanfare — asks for directions to Uranus.
Arnold Pitts draws him a detailed map.
August — California becomes the first state to legalize, regulate and tax the sale of marijuana, solving its budget woes but immediately creating a statewide shortage of Doritos and spawning a grassroots campaign for Willie Nelson as state treasurer. Californians then collectively forget about the grassroots campaign, decide to skip work because it is "bogus" and/or "whack" and spend hours wondering why the official state animal is a bear. "Like, why a bear, man?"
September — South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford publishes the book, "Hiking the Appalachian Trail: A Guide to Nature's Hot Spots."
October — President Obama invites Arnold Pitts, the first patient under the nation's reformed health care system, to a gala celebration at the White House in his honor.
On the way to Washington, Pitts, overwhelmed by the national attention he's getting, tells a Northwest Airlines flight attendant, "I never expected it to blow up this big." He is tackled by fellow passengers, Tasered by an air marshal and led away in handcuffs in a slight misunderstanding.
Californians agree that "some bears, like Smokey, are cool, but what about Yogi, dude, stealing peoples' picnic baskets full of Doritos? That is definitely not cool, man."
November — The Consumer Product Safety Commission urges a nationwide recall of Snuggies after reports of people tripping over the tail-end and smashing their skulls on coffee tables. Snuggie lovers are up in arms, which have been stretched through the convenient holes in the blanket.
One Snuggie-rights advocate, an obscure newspaper columnist who received one for Christmas, said, "You can have my Snuggie when you pry it from my warm, dead body."
December — As the year draws to a close, California once again outlaws the sale of nonmedical marijuana in response to the horrific Doritos famine and the seemingly never-ending bear discussion that the rest of the nation — known to Californians as "the buzz killers" — found less than fascinating.
And, somewhere, an obscure newspaper columnist sits down in a blanket with sleeves and a cup of Uncle Fred's eggnog and begins to pen his annual predictions for the coming year.