The chemistry of love: How 'falling' affects us

Most married people look back on the early days of their relationship with nostalgia. To be "in love" is a natural high. You feel like the world is suddenly safe and the future is brilliantly hopeful and exciting.

All is right with the world. "Shalom" is a Hebrew word that describes this euphoric state of being. All is right with you, God, and the world. As friend of mine used to say, "It couldn't be more better!"

Dr. Michael Liebowitz, who teaches at Columbia University and does extensive brain studies, has an explanation for the "high" that happens when people become lovers.

Liebowitz describes in his research what happens in the brains of two people attracted to each other.

He calls it a chemical reaction. He says the brain releases dopamine and norepinephrine, which are neurotransmitters. Like drugs, the activation of these chemicals produces a heightened sense of perception — colors are more colorful, sounds are more amplified, our pulse increases, our eyes even dilate and we get an extra shot of adrenaline, producing more energy. The more one-on-one time a couple spends together, the more the endorphins and enkephalins are produced in the brain. A person's confidence, and sense of security is enhanced.

So, love is a chemical reaction that takes a life of its own. This might explain why some people "go crazy" when they get caught up in an affair and "fall in love" with someone outside of their marriage.

On a love drunk, they will risk their jobs, their family, their reputation and whatever stands in the way of "getting a fix" from their new lover. Too bad we don't have a 12 Step program for love-induced addictions like we do alcohol and drug addictions, but that's another article.

No one, including brain researchers, knows why people fall in love, but psychologist Harville Hendrix takes a stab at it in his book, "How to Get the Love you Want." His overall thesis is that marriage is designed to heal wounds from childhood and replace our favorite caregiver with a marriage partner.

Using the universal expressions of romantic love, Hendrix points to the reasons for the euphoria. First is recognition. Lovers say, "I know we just met, but I feel like I have known you forever." (Replacement of your favorite caregiver).

The second factor is familiarity. "We've only been dating a few months, but I feel I've known you forever." The third one, he calls reunification. "When I am with you, I no longer feel alone, I feel whole, complete." (I am going to be healed, made whole from childhood woundedness) Fourth is the desire for permanent attachment. "I love you so much, I can't live without you." (A return to dependency, like a child's need for a parent).

This replacement of original caregivers is an unconscious process and places some unrealistic expectations on each other as marriage partners. If we don't evaluate our expectations and reel them in, we can get bitter and start blaming each other for making promises we didn't keep. When the honeymoon is over and the drug (chemicals) has worn off, our healer is just as wounded as we are.

That is when real love needs to kick in. The task, then, is not, "Do I have the right marriage partner?"

The real task is, "Can I become the right marriage partner for my spouse?" Can I work toward giving my partner what she/he needs so he/she can recovery from past wounds? Can I hold my spouse when she/he is in pain? Can I offer words of hope when they are despairing? Can I help them hang on to their dreams when it looks like the wheels are coming off? Can I be faithful and trustworthy and provide a holding place where both of us can grow toward wholeness and health?