Scott Hollifield: Getting $oaked at the waterpark

Planning to go to a giant, family-oriented indoor waterpark?

Then you'll need Scott's Guide to Giant, Family-Oriented Indoor Waterparks, a list of the do's and don'ts and a blatant attempt to recoup money I spent there by quickly hammering out a column and trying to pass the whole thing off as an expense-accountable business trip. ("Yes, sir, $28 for nachos may seem extravagant, but as a journalist, I believe I must dig deep into the cheesy flavor of a story for the enlightenment of readers.")

Tip No. 1: Don't go to a giant, family-oriented indoor waterpark unless you can quickly hammer out a column and try to pass the whole thing off as an expense-accountable business trip because you will spend - and this is approximate -- the gross national income of Honduras.

Instead, buy a knock-off, Chinese-made version of a Slip n Slide, set it up in the yard by a big oak tree and give li'l Jimmy a terrific shove.

Even if he breaks his arm in three places, the insurance company refuses to pay due to gross negligence and you have to hire one of the attorneys who advertise during commercial breaks on the "Maury" show to battle the child welfare department to retain custody of li'l Jimmy, you will end up saving money.

Tip No 2: Do prepare for noise.

I recommend having your auditory system surgically removed. No headphones, ear plugs or infinite number of frozen margaritas can block out the cacophony of millions of gallons of water rushing down slides and splashing in pools while thousands of children scream like banshees. (And I would immediately like to offer a sincere apology for that comparison to the mythical Irish spirits whose wails warn of impending death, because the children were much, much louder.)

During our trip, my daughter would happily scream six inches from my ear and I could understand nothing.

"Blah! Blah! Blah!"

"What? I can't understand you."

"Blah! Blah! Blah!"

"I can't hear you."

"Blah! Blah! Blah!"

"OK. That's great. Good for you. Whatever you said."

I sincerely hoped it wasn't, "I'm tired of the waterpark, so I'll walk to the interstate and catch a ride to Vegas with the first van that comes by."

Tip No 3: Do prepare to be ordered around by teenagers.

Give a kid a red T-shirt, a whistle and minimum-wage authority and he becomes a junior-sized R. Lee Ermey drill instructor from "Full Metal Jacket."

"There will be no horseplay in my wave pool!"

Was I going to a take a dressing down from Sgt. Doogie Howser?

"Listen, Skippy, I was kicking it in the wave pool before you were a gleam in your momma's eye. So the next time you blow that punk #$% whistle on me, it's going to take all three Jonas Brothers to remove it."

That's what I would have said, but I didn't want to get thrown out of the wave pool.

Tip. No. 4: Don't get stuck with the sleeper sofa.

Ours was an overnight trip, which meant two days at the waterpark. (Yippee!) Due to a shift in sleeping arrangements, which was preceded by complaining and highly effective whining, I went from king bed to sleeper sofa.

I say this with all honesty: Of all the places I have slept - couches, car seats, truck beds, cold ground, motel room floors, upturned recliners and a range shack with National Guardsmen I was writing about during a cold, rainy training weekend - this was the most uncomfortable. Had I spent any more time on that sleeper sofa, I would have confessed to acts of international terrorism to make the pain go away.

Note: Scott's Guide to Giant, Family-Oriented Indoor Waterparks is not affiliated with the Giant, Family-Oriented Indoor Waterpark Association and its members. His opinions are solely his own, and surveillance footage shows he actually had a wonderful time.