Scott Hollifield: What to do when the wheels fall off

Vehicle recall notices aren't as detailed or action-packed as I imagined.
With the much publicized auto industry problems of late, I cruised on over to safecar.gov, the U.S. Department of Transportation's recall roundup site, to see if my truck was on the list of vehicles that will suddenly explode.
It was not, but I had to wade through countless passages like this: "Gulf States Toyota is recalling certain model year 2006-2009 Sienna passenger vehicles for failing to comply with the requirements of Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standard No. 110, "Tire Selection and Rims."
Pretty dry stuff.
Had I received this notice in the mail, I would have stopped reading at "failing to comply with" and moved on to other correspondence, most likely something marked "you may be a winner."
Where's the personal touch? Where are the juicy details? And, most of all, where's the apology for putting go-cart wheels on Grandma's Sienna?
Recall notices should read more like this:
ATTENTION
Hello, proud owner of a 2008 Acme EXS sedan (or his or her next of kin).
We at Acme Motor Company take great pride in our company's safety record and reputation for dependability, but sometimes, through no fault of upper management, problems do occur and we are forced to issue recall notices.
This is one of those times.
We have received several complaints (roughly 16,000) about a small, tiny, itsy-bitsy design flaw in the '08 EXS sedan that may, under certain circumstances, cause the doors to fall off. These circumstances include driving at speeds in excess of 30 mph or making left turns. We have also received reports, though unconfirmed at this point, of doors falling off while the EXS was not in motion.
At highway speeds, some drivers have reported a noticeable decrease in handling without doors, although this may be the result of drivers inexperienced at simultaneously steering and screaming.
During these intermittent door events, some drivers have reported flames shooting from the factory-installed CD/MP3 player and burning off their eyebrows, which does not comply with federal motor vehicle safety standards or modern-day grooming techniques.
We have also received several complaints that the GPS system, standard on the EXS sedan, utters a string of obscenities in a thick Norwegian accent every 30 seconds.
In some models, drivers reported glove boxes filled with scorpions.
Scorpions? Seriously, we never saw that one coming.
So, what are you supposed to do? This is a recall notice, so take your EXS to the nearest Acme dealer (that is, if you can't live with low speeds, all right turns, no eyebrows, a steady stream of Norwegian filth and predatory arthropods) and we'll see what we can do.
We'll weld and poke and prod and stomp scorpions all afternoon if we can earn back your trust and keep you as part of the Acme family. And we guarantee you, loyal customer, that whatever engineer or line worker we can pin this on will be given a serious talking to after upper management returns from its retreat in Hawaii next week, where additional cost-cutting measures and possible strategies for defending a class-action lawsuit top the agenda.
We would also like to take the opportunity in this recall notice to offer our sincere apology to 2008 Acme EXS owners for any inconvenience or painful stings incurred as a result of these unfortunate events -- and offer you a $1,000 rebate on a newly redesigned, scorpion-free 2010 Acme EXS! That's $1,000 CASH! On the Motor Mile! Look for the giant, inflatable gorilla! Be there!

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a columnist for the Media General News Service. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.