Scott Hollifield: Horned dung beetle safer than health care reform

It's official: The horned dung beetle is The World's Strongest Insect.

Better luck next time, fire ant.

(Note: Readers who thought I would address the hot-button issue of health care reform this week are mistaken. Last August, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek Q&A column on the subject, a satirical piece that one reader lauded as "a colossal waste of time" and that moved another to issue what I can only interpret as a thinly veiled threat to send me to the emergency room with a size 13 steel-toe boot embedded in a place that will not accommodate a size 13 steel-toe boot.)

LiveScience.com reported on March 23 that the horned dung beetle, or Onthophagus taurus to people who don't spend a lot of time at Hooters, was able to pull "a whopping 1,141 times its own body weight, which is the equivalent of a 150-pound person lifting six full double-decker buses."

Personally, I max out at three double-decker buses, so I am impressed with the horned dung beetle's strength.

(Note: It's not that I'm scared to poke fun at the whole hoopla surrounding health-care reform, such as quoting a fictitious person as saying, "I was down at the tea party and somebody left a 'Go Back to Kenya' sign propped against a barricade. I tripped over it, my musket went off and a round grazed my granny, who was gathering up a sack of rocks to throw at Nancy Pelosi. Will Granny's flesh wound be covered under pre-existing conditions?")

LiveScience.com reported on a study from the University of Western Australia, home of the Fighting Horned Dung Beetles, in which researchers "attached a cotton thread to the rear of each beetle participant," let them crawl into a simulated tunnel, tugged on their rear-ends, and concluded through exact scientific methodology this species of horned dung beetle is indeed The World's Strongest Insect.

(Note: OK, I'm scared. I admit it. Deranged people are making death threats against lawmakers over health care reform. These aren't rational people who happen to disagree with the bill, of which there are many. These are nuts. It's not inconceivable that someone would misinterpret what I write and decide to blow my head off with a musket or launch a size 13 steel-toe boot in my general direction. I'm avoiding the topic altogether. Writing about freakishly strong horned dung beetles is the safest course of action. Odds are, I will not receive any e-mails like this: "It's just like the socialist/communist/fascist/elitist/left-leaning/right-wing/out-of-touch mainstream news media to continue to propagate lies about the strength of the horned dung beetle over that of the fire ant when all evidence indicates -- and the voices in my head confirm -- that horned dung beetles played a major role in the government's coverup of the 9/11 attacks. I've got a size 13 steel-toe boot with which I intend to reiterate this point when I chance to meet you, funny boy.")

Horned dung beetles celebrated their new title by chugging beers at Hooters and later overturning six double-decker buses, according to unconfirmed reports.

(Note: And what if some angry reader did embed a size 13 steel-toe boot where a size 13 steel-toe boot cannot be accommodated? Do I need my primary-care physician to refer me to a boot-extraction specialist or should I go directly to the emergency room and face one of those new death panels I've heard so much about? Do I now address my physician as 'Comrade?' No, I refuse to tackle the subject of health care reform when perfectly good, non-controversial column topics like horned dung beetles are out there waiting to be written about.)

Congratulations, horned dung beetle. You are officially The World's Strongest Insect. Next time I see you at Hooters, I'll buy you a cold one and, just for the fun of it, we'll arm wrestle.